Baltika Zhigulevskoe

'This beer is prepared according to a traditional recipe and it remains one of the most popular brand names in the country. Ingredients: water, light barley malt, rice and the best varieties of hops.'

This is pure garbage. I think this is what bums in Russia must be drinking this very instant. Dirty dishwater with a hint of seaweed come to mind before all flavor is washed away as the tide of malt comes rushing in. Yes its extremely cheap, but there are much better ways to spend very little money and get drunk. Personally given the choice between this beer and a Zima at a party, I am taking the Zima. Then I am going home and finding new friends.

Baltika Zhigulevskoe is an absolute drain pour. Stay the fuck away from this beer.

Bayhawk California Pale Ale

I should have been wary when I read 'California Pale Ale' but this package was of two bombers, two glasses and a bottle opener for $14.99. I am a sucker for deals I guess.

This beer wasn't what I was expecting from a pale ale, but it was a 'California Pale Ale' so warning lights should have been flashing in my head. Whenever things are marketed as being from California I usually find them to be bland, soulless affairs designed for rich white entrepeneurs. Bayhawk isn't a very good example of this, but it is sure watered down for a pale ale. I drank this beer waiting a kick that never came, but it still had some decent flavors swirling around in there. Bayhawk CPA has a nice herbal finish that helps you to forget how mediocre the body of it is. The taste of this beer is more sour than hoppy, which I really didn't care for. I think going from something as extreme as the Racer No 5 to this really pointed out the weaknesses of Bayhawk CPA.

It's OK. Thanks for the keychain bottle opener guys! I love value packs!

Iron City

I have find memories of drinking Iron City when my old band used to play Pittsburgh so there is a soft spot in my heart for it. I want to give it a rave review, but that would be misleading to some extent. Iron City is fine for a hard drinking hard working man but I doubt many beer snobs will find anything of merit here. I like this beer for what it is, but it doesn't live up to my fond memories at all. Iron City (what a bad ass name!) is another slightly sweet, run of the mill cheap lager. It tastes much better than say, MGD, but I am having trouble really coming up with anything special about it. I can tell you one thing, it makes me want a Yuengling bad.

This beer makes me want to listen to Brain Handle or Caustic Christ, in a basement in Pittsburgh of course. Down there this stuff tasted like one of the best beers I had ever drank. Those were the days!

Killians Irish Red

'Rich amber color and a thick, creamy head. Introduced into the U.S. in 1981. Gold medalist (amber lager) at 1998 World Beer Cup.'

This beer isn't as bad as it gets a rap for, but it sure as hell isn't wonderful. I remember going to a keg party a few years back and thinking it was neat that this stuff was on tap instead of say... Miller Lite. I think that was the first, and probably last, time I ever said 'Oh cool, Killians!'.

This stuff is the perfect example of fake Irish beer. The spices taste kind of chemical, its watery and it is insanely drinkable. This is not a beer you order if you are the kind of guy who smells his beer and likes to take in all the flavors, this is a beer you order to pound until you get drunk. It's as boring as all the drunk white people that will be pouring out of bars this weekend. I could see this maybe being a go to beer for someone who really likes Irish red ales. Oh wait, this is a lager? Well I should have known that, it says right on the damn bottle.

So yeah, if its the best option at your neighborhood Bennigans, go Killians Irish Red. It's inexpensive, decent and easy to find. You will have to be in a particularly shitty liquor store for this to be the best beer available, but it will do the trick if it is. Not a glowing recommendation now is it?

Samuel Adams Irish Red Ale

'This rich and malty ale originated in Ireland in 1710. It has a deep red color and distinctive caramel flavor from its Pale and Caramel malts. The malt sweetness is balanced by the earthy notes of East Kent Goldings hops. Cheers!'

Fake Irish beer #3!

Not a fan of this beer. I don't think the amount of malt in this beer goes well with the Irish red style at all. It's really malty. I think its pretty similar to Killians (which may or may not be on the list), which is not in its favor. Mass produced Ales are always so heavy on the carbonation that they become hard to drink, this beer being no exception. Caramel is the most distinct flavor kicking around in Samuel Adams Irish Red Ale, to the point where it is the only flavor easy to pinpoint.

This stuff is so carbonated its drying out my mouth after two beers. I know I have been exceptionally picky lately but this stuff annoys me. Fake Irish week was going pretty well until Samuel Adams Irish Red Ale came along and bored the hell out of me. It looks nice at least?

Great Divide St. Bridgets Porter

'St. Bridget, a legendary Irish saint, created a sensation by turning her bathwater into beer. What better way to celebrate her worthy miracle than with our zymurgistic tribute to her feat, St. Bridget's Porter. St. Bridget's is a smooth, elegant, and chocolaty brown porter. Brimming with coffee and chocolate characteristics from dark barley malts, St. Bridget's is carefully hopped to provide the perfect complement to its malty robustness.'

Fake Irish beer week continues!

As far as porters go St. Bridgets Porter is pretty nondescript, which makes it fairly average. I know many times the word 'average' is meant in a derogatory fashion, thats not what I intend here. You would be hard pressed to find anything significantly wrong with this beer or anything very memorable. Its still fun to drink though! 'Slainte!' or whatever the fuck Irish people say instead of 'cheers'.

This Porter is a little on the thin side but not to the point I would call it watery. There is a slight alcohol bite to the initial drink but the aftertaste covers it up with some fairly nutty flavors. It's a little smokey with the tiniest hint of chocolate, but nothing I would consider 'robust'. Would I drink Great Divide St. Bridgets Porter again? Sure, with pleasure. Is it something I would go out of my way to drink? Probably not.

Baltika 8 Wheat Ale

'Unfiltered Wheat Ale. Contains special yeast which gives it cloudiness and creates a rich taste. This beer is brewed for you!
The ingredients are water, wheat malt, pilsner malt and caramel malt and hops.'

I have never had a wheat ale brewed in Russia before, so I thought this would be interesting at least. Interesting indeed. This is probably the worst wheat beer I have ever had.... No this is definitely the worst wheat beer I have ever had. I have this awful habit of smelling beer before I take my first sip. With Baltika 8 I got a nosefull of straw and cabbage, one of the oddest scents I have witnessed in a long time. Sadly, it only tastes slightly better than it smells.

I know I go on rants when I really dislike a beer, but Baltika 8 is fucking horrid. There is something very off with this beer, like it was brewed with dirty dishwasher or had been left out in the sun for a few weeks. I am very disappointed, for a few reasons. Will I ever find a beer from Eastern Europe that is worth a damn besides Czechvar? I also bought three other pints of Baltika products... This ought to be a fun week!

Not recommended!

Kennebunkport Pumpkin Ale

I'm having difficulties finding information straight from the brewers website to give the 'official' description of this beer. It appears the Kennebuckport Brewing Company is more or less the Sea Dog Brewing Company, both brands distributed through Trader Joe's. I purchased this beer for $3.99 in a six pack from Trader Joe's in March. Obviously, late fall beer sold at the end of the winter, TJ's is trying to get rid of some stock. As well, I tend to have an affinity for this type of sweet / fruity beer towards the end of summer / early fall. It's winter, it's cold, and I like my porters & stouts at this time of year. Nonetheless, I know a good value and decided to take a chance on something cheap from TJ's that wasn't Mountain Creek.

This beer has a golden body with a slight head that dissipates rather quickly. The pumpkin aroma is present but not overpowering. As this is my first beer review I did some research and found others to state the head dissipates much like soda does, which is very true. In essence, this ale tastes like any Miller product but with pumpkin flavors added. The flavor is rather flat and holds a light complexion, does not taste like natural pumpkins but rather pumpkin pie. Light is the big word with this ale, light aroma, light and dry taste, light price! This is the 2nd pumpkin ale I've ever tried, this beer doesn't encourage me to explore more of this, but it also doesn't deter me from trying other pumpkin ales in the future. Seriously though, it's $3.99 for a six pack. It's a great value buy, not a beer I would go out of my way to purchase though.

Svyturys Ekstra

'A crystal clear golden beer that crowns a glass with a frothy head of dazzling white. A deep hop aroma and a rich long lasting flavour that is underscored by a light, barely perceptible hint of hop bitterness.'

If there is any part of the world that enjoys cheap beer more than the United States? I thought about this the other day and came up with Eastern Europe. Luckily I live in Chicago, which is Eastern Europe's promised land and only had to traverse a few blocks to the Ukranian Village to find some insanely Euro beer. The girl behind the counter greeted me with Polish as I purchased enough beer for a weeks worth of entries.

I picked Svyturys first because it had the most promise- dark brown bottle, cool label and all forms of awards won in competitions (per the label). It sucks. The biggest problem I have with beers of this region (Lithuania in this case) is that they are overly malty and often taste stale. Svyturys is the poster child for this as it is a very bland and malty mess that tastes like it should have cobwebs inside it. Extremely boring and unappealing stuff, but it has a cool label! They also have a great website full of gibberish, linked of course.

Not Recommended, but its cheap at $5 for 4 pints! Still, I am sure there are better beers from Lithuania. Maybe.

Gubernija Grand 9.5

This stuff has a strange 'boxed wine' feel to it. Reading the can I realize why- its a super thin lager with a 9.5% alcohol content. I really need to get in the habit of reading labels before I buy shit like this. There is something off about this beer that makes it taste very artificial. Maybe it is brewed in an old petroleum plant? I mean its a product of Lithuania, a country I imagine as being close to a Mad-Max dystpopia with a lot of snow. Please let me know how much of an ignorant jerk I am, proud people of Lithuania!

I am sitting here trying to pick out flavors but all I am getting is alcohol and really cheap malt. I think if I drank two of these I would get a hangover, whether I had gotten a buzz or not. Hey it must have some use, maybe you could power a generator with it? Clean silverware? Trade it for a few crossbow bolts in Barter Town? As far as drinking it, I would not recommend that!

Samuel Adams Longshot Grape Pale Ale

This beer is just as vile and wrong as you assume it tastes. I mean grape pale ale? Who the fuck thinks of this stuff? Apparently a woman in Hawaii does and concocted this disgusting brew, probably while cackling over a cauldron stirring in toad eyes and cigarette butts. Longshot Grape Pale Ale tastes like there is a stale piece of chewed grape gum floating around the bottom of the bottle of an already shitty beer. It did not get better.

Samuel Adams obviously had the best of intentions when they released this homebrew, but they have opened Pandora's box when they decided to go grape. This stuff did not need to happen, let alone be mass produced for a consumer market expected to spend money on it! No one should buy this, even though it is packaged with a beer that is not nearly as harmful. It really is that horrible. Don't even try it, no matter how curious you are!

Miller Lite Brewers Collection Blonde Ale

'Brewed with roasted malts and a signature blend of hops for a refreshing, bold taste'

This basically is what I expect when there is a large brewery making an ale. This is easily one of the wateriest ales I have had in quite some time. If you handed me this beer and asked me to do a blindfold taste test to tell you what it tasted like I would answer Amstel Light.

By now you should have stopped dry heaving so we can start again with my opinions on this beer. It is boring, just that. It's not terrible, its not great- it's not even bad or good. Miller Lite Brewers Collection Blonde Ale tastes more like its popular cousins in the Miller family than a craft brew like it advertises. Think slightly better than Miller Lite, which in case you didn't realize it, is an insult. The Amber was a much better beer and will make the cut with the target demographics I hope, instead of this 'Ale'. Not Recommended!

Sprecher Mai Bock

'This traditional springtime lager is aged throughout the cold winter months to develop its robust character. Additional dry-hopping gives this blonde bock a distinctive flowery aroma and a crisp hop flavor.'

Not the best of nights for me as far as tasting new beer. I probably shouldn't even be talking about this beer because I have never had a Mai Bock that I enjoyed before, this one included. It isn't a bad beer and I am sure that people who enjoy the style will love it but Bocks always taste antiquated and strange. Its like sipping something that has been in a cask since the middle ages, dust and all. I think that Gruit might have tasted a little like a bock. Look up Gruit on wikipedia if you dont know what it is, its kind of like a beer stew.

I found this beer passable but not terrible by any means. It certainly wasn't boring and it was neat to taste a sweet beer that didn't have much of a fruity flavor to it. There is also an understated herb taste to it that I did appreciate. Beers like this give me the impression that you will have to develop a taste for them to truly enjoy them, but thats not something I have the patience for. So yeah, worst review of anything ever, but I still didn't like it. Not recommended.

Half Acre Lager

I purchased this beer because it has Chicago, Il written all over it so I assumed it was actually brewed here. But if you look on the back you find out Sand Creek Brewing Co. in Wisconsin! I haven't even drank the thing and I already feel ripped off, I paid $9 for this six pack because I thought I was supporting a local brewery!

Then I drink the beer and the feeling that I have been swindled really starts to sink in. This beer is the worst beer I have drank since my Shakparo experiment. I think they were trying to make this beer of the sickly sweet belgium variety but it ends up tasting like orange peels and yeast. Orange peels and yeast at $9 a six pack. This beer smells bad, has a sticky head and really has absolutely nothing good going for it. Not recommended whatsoever!